Hi there, friend.

Picture this: You’re on a date. You both sit down at a restaurant. They ask you a question. You answer it. They seem interested in what you said, but actually just pivot the conversation to talk about themselves.

And they talk. And talk. And talk for the rest of the meal, until you’re paying the check and you realize you barely spoke a word. Sure you have a full belly and know a lot about their love of snowboarding. But there wasn’t much connection.

Not the best feeling, right? 

Okay now picture a different date.

This time, the date asks you a question. And as you answer it, instead of pivoting the conversation to talk about themselves, they ask you to go deeper. You tell a little more about yourself. They ask even more follow-up questions. You both go back and forth talking about what interests the both of you.

Which date do you think you’re gonna wanna follow up with more?

A recent paper demonstrated this very phenomenon. In the first study, participants were paired off, and randomly assigned one of two groups. In the first group, one participant was instructed to “ask at least 9 questions.” In the other group, a participant was instructed to “ask at most 4 questions.” Afterwards, each participant was surveyed about how they felt about their conversation partner.

The participants who asked more questions were liked significantly more by their conversation partners.

In a follow-up study, researchers evaluated the types of questions being asked. And they found that follow-up questions corresponded to an increase in being liked more than any other type of question. But Jay, I’m a terrible reader. How could I possibly make my way through this whole list?

Remember that the power of love outweighs the power of will. You’ll never conquer your booklist through willpower alone. Find what you’re passionate about. What you’re excited to learn about, talk about, listen to on the way to work. That’s what you should be reading about. If anything on that list – or any list – really feels exciting to you, that’s where you should direct your energy.

Asking follow-up questions leads to being more liked by your conversation partner.

I know the example I gave was in a romantic setting, but this applies to relationships of all types.

• Your co-workers

• Your friends

• Your family members

Anybody who you find yourself in conversation with.

When you ask follow-up questions, you’re demonstrating that you’re actually listening to what the other person is saying and that you care enough to learn more.

We all know how empty it can feel to talk at someone who doesn’t care. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Conversely, think of someone in your life who truly listens to you. How do they make you feel?

Okay Jay, I know asking questions is good and all, but how do I know what questions to ask?

It starts with good listening. Try not to look at your phone or multitask when your friend is talking. It actually requires your full attention to internalize what they’re saying. If you absolutely need to focus elsewhere, ask to take a break and attend to your business so you can come back and be fully present.

Try to ask open-ended questions. Keywords what and how will encourage them to go into more detail. 

• How did that make you feel?

• What does that mean for you going forward?

When trying to get a clearer picture of what they’re saying, ask for examples

• What’s an example of this going on?

• Can you think of another time that happened to you?

The guiding light is your curiosity. If you’re actively curious and excited about what your conversation partner has to say, they will feel that energy, and respond in kind.

We all want to be liked. This is just one way to make others feel seen and heard. Imagine if we all treated each other this way. And how different this world would be.

📚 #1 New York Times Bestselling Author
🎧 Host of the On Purpose Podcast
🙏 Creator of the Jay Shetty Certification School

Take the Core Values quiz

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Challenge for the week ✨

Last week, I challenged you to commit to a daily reading habit. The responses were inspiring. So many of you are reading so many amazing books!

One response combined a love of books with a love of service. Reader Angela said, “I volunteer at a local botanical garden. I have been working on a professional library for the horticulture staff for about two years now. Recently I had the opportunity to play the role of volunteer roaming photographer for their Yule Tide event. It was a great time and I really enjoyed catching some good photos of the visitors enjoying the gardens lit up with Christmas lights.”

As we get closer to the holiday season, I want to challenge you to have at least one conversation this week where you give your full attention and ask follow-up questions.

And reply to this email with a question someone asked you, that you loved answering.

Poll of the week