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Why advice often backfires
Plus, Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson on how to unlearn limiting beliefs from your upbringing
Jay Shetty
May 01, 2025
“I’m making a lot of positive changes in my life, but my friends don’t seem motivated to join me. How can I encourage them?”
You can’t. All you can do is focus on living your best life, refraining from judgment, and welcoming them if and when they’re ready to join you.
Before we dive into today’s topic, I just wanted to let you know that Weekly Wisdom’s MacBook Pro giveaway is still running, and I’d love for you to participate. Keep reading for all the details on how to enter the raffle to win!
Now, I’d like to tell you about when I first became a monk in India.
It wasn’t an easy transition. But after a bit, it became clear to me and all the other new monks that this way of living is really great. Waking up early, being present and focusing on simplicity are huge lifestyle changes that all of us could benefit from. I couldn’t wait to tell all my friends back home about it.
But my teachers urged caution. They told us not to prescribe the monk lifestyle to everyone when we went back home to visit.
I was perplexed. This stuff was gold! It was sure to make everyone feel better. Why couldn’t I preach the good word back home?
Apparently, all too often, young monks went back home and evangelized the monk life. And it backfired. All it did was push their friends and family away.
These young monks continuously operated with the best intentions. They wanted to help the people they loved most. But the problem is, nobody likes being told what to do. And so they returned to the ashram after breaks, defeated and, even worse, resentful. How could their friends be so lazy and ungrateful for my help?
So, to avoid all that, our teachers taught us nonjudgment. How to focus on our growth while not expecting those around us to join.
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Don’t judge. JUDGE.
By showing up and reading this newsletter, you’re on a path of self-growth. One challenge we all face when on these paths is that we expect the people around us to grow as well.
You see positive results in your life—you’re more energized, focused, happy—and you want to share them! But pushing your beliefs on your friends won’t help them. It will only drive them away and lead to both of you judging each other.
So instead of judging them, I want you to JUDGE.
Wait for a Joining question. A joining question is when a friend asks you for help. A recommendation. Something like, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been really energized lately—what’s your secret?” Or, “I’m thinking of getting more into meditation—what books do you recommend?” These questions are your invitation to bring them in. They’re consenting to your advice, so they won’t get annoyed when you give it.
But don’t just give them a pre-canned speech.
Understand what they need. Ask follow-up questions. Figure out precisely what they’re struggling with and tailor your advice to that. You don’t know what stage of the journey they’re on. They'll stop reading if you give them a whole stack of books that don’t immediately pertain to their needs. And stop coming to you for advice.
Along those lines, Direct them to something they’re attracted to. This will become apparent as you talk with them. Remember: we’re all different. Just because something worked for you doesn’t mean it will work the same for them. When someone is excited, they’re way more likely to stick to a new habit.
You can offer to keep them accountable, but let them Go at their own pace. Don’t rush them. Be a gentle support system.
And finally, show Empathy. Growth is hard. Change is uncomfortable. You know that because you’ve been through it. Show them the care you wish you’d been given.
As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. So don’t force it. Treat your friends like cats and let them come to you. You’ll all be better off for it.
#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
Host of the On Purpose Podcast
Creator of the Jay Shetty Certification School
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Community Challenge
Think about your growth journey. What are the tools and resources that got you where you are today? Reply to this email, telling me the three most essential things that got you where you are. Figuring this out now will help when somebody eventually comes to you for advice. I can’t wait to read what you wrote, and I’ll share some of my favorite answers.
Last week, I challenged you to identify your top three monetizable skills and let me know what you can do to sharpen them and become even more valuable.
Reader Samantha has an amazing idea, saying she plans to “expand my therapy practice to include groups. I’m going to attend a group meeting on a topic that is of interest to me to see how others run their groups so that I have a jumping-off point.” That’s incredible—not only will that help you expand your income, but it will expand the way you serve your community.
Keep sending your thoughts my way, friends. It’s always so good to hear from you.
Now on ‘On Purpose’
On Monday’s podcast episode, I spoke with former First Lady Michelle Obama and her brother, the coach and mentor Craig Robinson, to have an intimate conversation about family, resilience and the lasting impact of love and connection.
Our conversation centered around family and friendship, and how vital a strong community is for facing life’s toughest transitions. This episode is a moving testament to the impact of compassion, authenticity, and purposeful living. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Also on ‘On Purpose’: Have you ever felt waves of guilt hit you just because you tried to set boundaries and protect your peace? On Friday’s podcast episode, I break down how to stop feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. You are enough just as you are. You don’t need to meet everyone else’s expectations or chase their approval. This is a must-listen for anyone who needs help putting themselves first. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Plus: On Wednesday’s episode, I welcomed back Humble the Poet for the third time so he could unpack the beautiful wisdom from his latest book, Unlearned: 50 Simple Truths to Help Overthinkers Feel Less Stress and More Calm. We had a candid, soulful conversation all about anxiety, emotional resilience and personal growth. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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Reflect & Respond
How do you usually respond when a friend isn’t into the same personal growth stuff as you? |
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