Your pain has purpose

Plus, Simon Sinek on how to know when it’s time to let a friendship go

I want to tell you an old Zen story I wrote about in my book Think Like a Monk.

A young man is struggling because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, and the world just keeps chewing him up and spitting him out. So, he heads to a monastery to seek guidance. But the thing is, he lacks patience. He doesn’t see the value in sitting around silently or fasting, but he still wants to feel better.

So he asks the master, “Can I find enlightenment without all the meditation and fasting?”

The master considers this. “Perhaps,” he says. “But you’ll have to focus. Are you skilled at anything?”

The young man shrugs and says, “I’m not bad at chess.”

And so the master calls over a monk elder and instructs the two to play chess. “Play carefully,” the master says, “because I will cut off the head of the one who loses.”

Suddenly, the young man is stressed. He doesn’t want to die! So he focuses, and does his best to win. Pretty quickly, he realizes he’s much more skilled at chess than the monk elder he’s playing and can surely win. The master, meanwhile, begins to sharpen his sword.

Now, the young man becomes conflicted. He stares at his calm opponent. He can’t be responsible for this man’s death! The monk is a more valuable asset to society than he is. So, the young man begins to lose on purpose.

Without warning, the master kicks over the table, sending chess pieces flying. “There will be no winner and no loser today,” he says. The elder looks at the young man and says, “You have the ability to concentrate, and you are willing to give your life for another. That is compassion. Join us, and proceed in that spirit. You are ready to become a monk.”

Now, I’m telling you this story for a reason. Because you read this newsletter, I know a few things about you. I know that you have the ability to concentrate. And I know you care about living a purposeful life.

I’m not saying you need to become a monk, per se. But you have what it takes to serve.

Service to others is the key to a better, more purposeful life. When you’re feeling lost or unfulfilled, service holds the answer.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY BETTERHELP

Men are often taught to stay silent about their struggles. But silence isn’t strength—vulnerability is.

This Men’s Mental Health Month, BetterHelp is making therapy more accessible than ever, with support you can reach when it's most convenient for you.

Serve the Pain You Know

I know it can feel overwhelming to figure out how to serve others. You don’t need to donate all your money or volunteer your free time. You still need to meet your basic needs.

Try this👇

Take out a piece of paper, or a fresh note on your device, and write down three moments from your life when you felt lost or in need. 

Perhaps after college, when you lacked direction and wished for a mentor. Or after a painful breakup, where it felt like the world was ending.

As you go through your week, I want you to pay special attention to all the places where you spend your time. 

Open your eyes to the ways you can lend your service to that place, that community. Maybe there’s a fundraiser coming up at school. Or a donation drive at the grocery store. Or a mentor program at the library.

It’s likely you’ll find a way to serve people who are experiencing the pain you know so deeply.

Those are the opportunities to lend a hand. Serving the pain you know best, in the communities you already belong to, is a beautiful way to make this world brighter. Not just for the people you’re helping, but for you as well.

And listen: it’s easier to serve when you’re coming from a place of strength. In the most recent episode of my podcast, I spoke with bestselling author Simon Sinek all about how burnout often stems from loneliness, and what it means to be human in an increasingly connected world.

It’s important to remember that as a human, you’re imperfect. Your friends are, too. If you’re clinging to relationships that no longer serve you or feeling disconnected from others, I urge you to listen to this episode.

I challenge you to spend 15 minutes right now looking for ways you can serve your community this week. Reply to this email right now and tell me what’s one way you’re going to serve this week. I can’t wait to see where you put your energy.

Last week, I challenged you to look at the tasks on your plate and let go of the non-important ones to make space for some non-urgent but important ones.

Reader Bradley mentioned feeling disconnected in many of his relationships. He committed to strengthening those bonds, saying:

That’s beautiful, Bradley. I’m certain you’ll be grateful you did that.

And reader Gina went through her tasks and realized:

Excellent, Gina! Enjoy your relaxation; it sounds like you earned it.