I realize that this time of year can be difficult for some families.

Many of us have that Uncle who says things you disagree with.
Maybe your parents voted differently than you, and you’re unsettled.
Or you have an in-law who carries such wildly different values.

The holidays sometimes bring us together with people who don’t always see the world the way we do.

But for a lot of these relationships, divisiveness doesn’t have to be the norm.

You don’t need perfect agreement to experience connection.

History is filled with opposing viewpoints. It’s also filled with stories of harmony and acceptance.

For example, in the 3rd century BCE, after converting to Buddhism, the Indian emperor Ashoka carved stone edicts throughout his empire urging citizens to do good, and to accept others no matter their beliefs.

It was the law of the land. To coexist peacefully.

It sounds simple, but it’s not easy. In fact, one of the edicts written by emperor Ashoka literally said, “to do good is difficult.” Peace is often a conscious choice, one that requires effort.

Anyone who’s had to try restraining themselves from arguing with a family member at the dinner table knows what I’m talking about. So how do you actually do good in that situation?

The legendary spiritual leader and peace activist Thích Nhất Hạnh teaches the art of deep listening. He describes it as a kind of listening where you’re not trying to come up with a response. You’re listening, with all your attention, as an act of compassion. Giving the speaker a sense of relief, the feeling that “someone finally understands him or her.”

Most people don’t speak just to be agreed with. They want to be understood.

When you listen deeply, that’s a form of love. When you listen to someone with all your attention and all your heart, you say to them “I see your humanity, even when I don’t agree with you.”

This holiday, and as you head into this new year, I encourage you to listen. And to listen deeply. And if the topic is one you simply can’t make space for, or pushes you too far away from your own values and comfort, the best we can do is set healthy boundaries.

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For many of us, the holiday season isn’t simply joyful. It can quietly amplify grief, memories, and the absence of someone we deeply love. Grief isn’t about “getting over” someone; it’s about learning how to carry that love forward in a new way. Wednesday’s episode of my podcast is a compilation of some of my most moving conversations about grief. Hopefully it can make you feel understood, and less lonely, this holiday season.

If you want to feel inspired, learn practical tools, and hear powerful stories, follow and listen to On Purpose on:

Sometimes it can be hard to listen deeply when we aren’t feeling heard ourselves.

Try This: You can’t force someone to listen. But what you can do is write out your feelings. Journaling, and letting everything on your mind out onto the page, can be a really healthy cathartic way to vent. It’s not the same as being heard by another person. But in some ways it’s even more powerful, because you’ll be heard by yourself.

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