Thank you for this question. It’s such an important time of year to return to the ideas of family and forgiveness.

It’s not surprising that family is such a fundamental part of who you are. How they treated you, and how they treated each other in front of you, can shape who you are.

A family that is supportive and encouraging can raise you to be curious and confident. But it can also shelter you from certain realities in life that become harder to grapple with as an adult.

A family that is more painful and complicated may raise you to be angry and isolated. But it can also motivate you to become stronger and reach higher.

Speaking for myself, much of what I do today stems from mediating my parents’ marriage while growing up.

As I told Emma Watson a few months ago, I developed deep skills in listening, empathy, and grace because I was practicing them for two people I loved.

My greatest strengths were shaped in response to the challenging situations I faced at home, and I consider that a great gift.

And I’m not alone. On Friday’s episode of my podcast I spoke with the grammy-nominated singer Alex Warren. His story, like mine, is shaped by family.

He told me that when he was young, his dad was dying of cancer and knew it. Even while enduring excruciating chemotherapy, his father still woke up early every morning to spend time with Alex before work.

Whenever Alex faces an obstacle now, he remembers how his dad must have felt. How his dad pushed through intense pain simply to create memories with his son. And that memory helps him push through, too.

But, not all of his childhood memories had such a positive spin.

His dad gave him the gift of music. His mom, however, tried to take it away, telling him he wasn’t good. He grew up in an abusive household that forced him and his siblings to fend for themselves.

He didn’t get to have the kind of childhood he wanted, but he didn’t let that pain define who he became. In fact, his early drive to succeed as an artist came from wanting to prove to his parents that he was a good musician.

And now? He has a successful music career.

And, even more surprising: a healthy, loving relationship.

What I love about Alex’s story is that he carries his past without being defined by it.

Your family can shape who you are, absolutely. But it’s up to you whether that shaping pushes you forward or holds you down.

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This time of year, it’s common to feel big feelings about family, whether you’re with them or not.

Try This: Whatever it is you’re feeling, whether grief, joy, or a mix of both, allow it to come forward. Let the emotion sit with you, and extend compassion toward yourself. Give yourself the space to feel exactly how you feel.

If you’re feeling joy, express it.
If you’re feeling sadness, take care of yourself.