Is there a person in your life who always leaves you emotionally drained or makes you feel unsettled? 

Maybe it’s a controlling sibling who insists everything revolves around them.

Or perhaps it’s a manipulative coworker who coerces you into working late on a regular basis. 

Perhaps it’s a jealous friend who makes you feel tense whenever they’re around.

One of the questions I get asked most often is, “What do I do about toxic relationships?” The unfortunate truth is, we’ve all encountered them. There’s no one perfect way to handle them, and some are definitely more complicated than others. But I know the best place to start: with self-awareness. Bear with me.

So often, when toxic relationships come to mind, we think of the other person’s behavior. We focus on their role. We give them all the power. But as you’ll see in the exercise below, that would be a mistake.

Developing Self-Awareness About Toxic Relationships

Try this: Start with a piece of paper or a note on your favorite device. Divide it into two lists. On the first list, write down all the qualities you possess at your worst. What are the traits of your lowest self?

Do you get really angry? Defensive? Maybe you shut down and freeze up during moments of conflict. Whatever it may be, add it to the list.

On the second one, note the qualities you possess when you’re at your best. Describe your highest self.

Maybe you’re loving, compassionate or clear-headed. Or maybe you’re the friend who makes everyone laugh. Write it all down.

When you’re done with those lists, I want you to write down under each one, all the people who bring out those qualities in you. Who brings out your best? Who brings out your worst?

Now look at these lists of people. The people who bring out your best. The people who bring out your worst. Take a moment to realize that you are in control of which group you give your time to.

Can you recognize that you have the power to decide what you unleash? Going forward, can you prioritize spending time with those people when possible? And do what you can to reduce the time you spend with others?

For some of us, certain relationships are going to be impossible to avoid completely. Do what you can with the wiggle room you do have to spend your time with those that make you feel your best.

The more time you spend at your best, you may find that you have more power than you think.

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
Host of the On Purpose Podcast
Creator of the Jay Shetty Certification School