Think about what you do when you miss an ex. Do you look them up on social media, listen to old songs, reread text messages, and sink into wistful nostalgia—remembering only the good parts?

When a relationship ends and you’re grieving the loss, your brain can sometimes be an unreliable narrator. The memories of happiness and laughter become vivid, while the big arguments or the times you felt small, get dimmed.

You may remember a relationship that was “better” than the one you actually experienced. Psychologists call this selective abstraction. It’s why you have a tendency to focus on the three-minute trailer of a relationship instead of watching the full movie. 

If you are trapped in this loop, try this: take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left, write what you genuinely miss about the relationship. On the right, force yourself to write down the reality… the days you cried, the times you felt unseen, and the excuses you made for them. This is an exercise in correcting your brain's selective editing.

Remember, the love and life you deserve is rarely located in the past.

With love,
Jay ♥️

In this episode of On Purpose, I unpack why heartbreak can feel so overwhelming. It’s not just emotional, it’s biological. Your brain responds to the loss like withdrawal, craving the connection it got used to, which is why checking their profile or replaying old conversations can feel almost impossible to resist. Even deeper than that, I explain how breakups often tap into something older, patterns of attachment, fears of being left, or the need to feel chosen. When you think you’re missing them, part of what you’re really feeling is the loss of security, identity, and the version of yourself that existed in that relationship.